They Will Not Talk to Me
What is happening?
When a young person stops talking to their family, it can feel like a rejection. It is usually something more complicated — a combination of shame, self-protection, not knowing how to start, and sometimes a belief that the conversation will make things worse.
What may be underneath it?
Young people often go quiet when they are dealing with something they do not know how to explain, or when they are afraid of the reaction they will get. Silence can also be a way of protecting a parent from something the young person believes would be too much for them to handle.
What makes things worse?
Pushing for conversation before the young person is ready can increase the shutdown. Expressing frustration or hurt at the silence can make the young person feel guilty on top of whatever else they are carrying. Withdrawing in response to the silence confirms the young person's fear that connection is conditional.
What can help?
Maintain presence without pressure. Let the young person know you are there and that you are not going anywhere. Look for indirect ways to stay connected — shared activities, small moments of contact. Make clear that you can handle whatever they need to tell you. Sometimes a trusted adult outside the family can be a bridge.
What happens next?
Where communication has broken down and there are concerns about risk, a structured intervention can help. RAP Academy works with young people and families in these situations.
Questions to think about
- 1.When did they stop talking, and what was happening at that time?
- 2.Is there a trusted adult outside the family they might talk to?
- 3.Am I creating conditions where they feel safe to speak?
- 4.What am I communicating through my own reactions and responses?
- 5.What does my child need to believe before they will open up?